Liars!!!

Hello my little monkeys.

Today I'm going to tell you a grand story about these magical little things called e-mails. You see, where I make the green dyed version of trees cut into little rectangles, I get these daily. Most of them are other little monkeys who have problems with various things. So it's my noble quest to solve their problems. Not sure why monkeys have that many problems...all they do is swing in trees, eat bananas and throw their feces at each other. Sounds a lot like the large corporations doesn't it?? Big monkeys.....

Anywho....yes who....

So I get these e-mails from time to time and they have a video attached! Like a little kid on Christmas I perk up and excitedly open my new found gift. I mean, no complaints? No boring text! Moving pictures and sound!! Joy!

Then I'll watch the video. A death defying stunt of a plane that losing it's wing mid flight. It barrel rolls and flies wildly out of control. Then coasts like a shark...think about it......fin out of the water....wing....forget it. If you don't get it, I'll get the bus.

Right before crashing into the ground the plan miraculously flips right side up and SLAMS into the ground! Wheels down. Rolling to a safe stop. The pilot gets out and waves to the crowd before wiping the sweat from his brow.

EXCITING!!!!!!! But wait...something caught my eye. I replay the death defying stunt! Right before the plane flips around, the camera blurs. This obviously professional cameraman keeps the camera fairly steady and in focus the entire time...but just milliseconds before it lands the camera blurs up! How could he?!



Then it hits me.

It's all a lie. They flat out, brutally lied to me! ME!!! Master Kender!!

I know. I can't believe it either, and before you start a riot in my name (how I do love a good riot) let me explain what else I found.

I did some research....ok so I went to snopes.com and looked it up. And sure enough there was the article on this amazing feat. They have the video posted . It explains how the video is meant to be fake. It's an advertisement for a clothing company in Europe....crazy Europeans!

I quickly switch back to the e-mail and what the person wrote who sent it to me: "Who says you need 2 wings to land? Amazing feat by Air Force Pilot! Only shows the USA trains them the best!!!!!"

Really? This was the government's doing? "ALRIGHT MAGGOT!! TODAY WE'RE GOING TO SEND YOU SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL THROUGH THE AIR AND HAVE YOU LAND WITH ONLY ONE WING!! NO DON'T WORRY ABOUT SAFETY...I'LL BE PERFECTLY FINE OVER HERE...."

Stupid monkeys....

So I have a request. It'll start out small but I believe with the power of this internet it'll be a success!! We're starting a new trend here and now! Whenever you attach a video to an e-mail and type how amazingly real it is, look it up. Make sure it's not fake first. For the love of Jeebus LOOK IT UP FIRST AND FIND OUT!!

Then you little monkeys will become smarter for it.

Kender - out

It's been a long time....

Hello my little Kenderites. I know you've missed me terribly. Everyday you would log onto this blog and just cry that there wasn't an update. Just really creepy videos of crazy Japanese people. I know, I'm sorry. But now I'm back! And advertising a bit on other mediums to get more people here!

"But Kender-san, you're selling out!" No! I'm...ooo something shiny.

So let's re-cap! Someone hand me a pen... (think about it, it'll eventually come to you as to why that's funny)

So it looks like the year was still 2008. Wow, so long ago. I mean we still had a white President, Michael Jackson was still alive, and John and Kate were still a family of 10. So much has happened! So many important and discussion worthy things!

So let's talk about rivers.

There is a river here in Texas (that's right...HERE in Texas..I moved. Deal with it.) that is actually famous. I say famous because the good people at the Guinness Book of World Records have recognized it as the smallest river in the world. And for the cost of a McDonald's Happy Meal you can float down it!

"But it's the smallest river in the world, surely it's a really short trip!" You might say, or think, or write, or blog......but you'd be wrong. I recently took a trip down this river clinging to my rubber inflated life savior. I was even paddling quite a bit to keep up with other people holding on for dear life in the river. It took me 3 hours and a sunburn on my shoulders to finish it. Still a nice way to spend a day. I don't recommend floating over the scuba divers though, unless you want a fresh awaking to bubbles.....

"But what does this have to do with you being away for so long?!" You might ponder, or think, or contemplate.....

Absolutely nothing. But my little Kenderites, I am but a vassel...vessel?....or some word like that...of all the random information in the world. I present to you the gift of random knowledge! Use it wisely at sports bars with trivia on their TV, or if you happen to find yourself on Jeopardy!

"I'll take smallest rivers in the world for $400 Alex" "The Comal River is located in this US State that ends with -exas"

"Umm...what is New Exas?"