Liars!!!

Hello my little monkeys.

Today I'm going to tell you a grand story about these magical little things called e-mails. You see, where I make the green dyed version of trees cut into little rectangles, I get these daily. Most of them are other little monkeys who have problems with various things. So it's my noble quest to solve their problems. Not sure why monkeys have that many problems...all they do is swing in trees, eat bananas and throw their feces at each other. Sounds a lot like the large corporations doesn't it?? Big monkeys.....

Anywho....yes who....

So I get these e-mails from time to time and they have a video attached! Like a little kid on Christmas I perk up and excitedly open my new found gift. I mean, no complaints? No boring text! Moving pictures and sound!! Joy!

Then I'll watch the video. A death defying stunt of a plane that losing it's wing mid flight. It barrel rolls and flies wildly out of control. Then coasts like a shark...think about it......fin out of the water....wing....forget it. If you don't get it, I'll get the bus.

Right before crashing into the ground the plan miraculously flips right side up and SLAMS into the ground! Wheels down. Rolling to a safe stop. The pilot gets out and waves to the crowd before wiping the sweat from his brow.

EXCITING!!!!!!! But wait...something caught my eye. I replay the death defying stunt! Right before the plane flips around, the camera blurs. This obviously professional cameraman keeps the camera fairly steady and in focus the entire time...but just milliseconds before it lands the camera blurs up! How could he?!



Then it hits me.

It's all a lie. They flat out, brutally lied to me! ME!!! Master Kender!!

I know. I can't believe it either, and before you start a riot in my name (how I do love a good riot) let me explain what else I found.

I did some research....ok so I went to snopes.com and looked it up. And sure enough there was the article on this amazing feat. They have the video posted . It explains how the video is meant to be fake. It's an advertisement for a clothing company in Europe....crazy Europeans!

I quickly switch back to the e-mail and what the person wrote who sent it to me: "Who says you need 2 wings to land? Amazing feat by Air Force Pilot! Only shows the USA trains them the best!!!!!"

Really? This was the government's doing? "ALRIGHT MAGGOT!! TODAY WE'RE GOING TO SEND YOU SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL THROUGH THE AIR AND HAVE YOU LAND WITH ONLY ONE WING!! NO DON'T WORRY ABOUT SAFETY...I'LL BE PERFECTLY FINE OVER HERE...."

Stupid monkeys....

So I have a request. It'll start out small but I believe with the power of this internet it'll be a success!! We're starting a new trend here and now! Whenever you attach a video to an e-mail and type how amazingly real it is, look it up. Make sure it's not fake first. For the love of Jeebus LOOK IT UP FIRST AND FIND OUT!!

Then you little monkeys will become smarter for it.

Kender - out

It's been a long time....

Hello my little Kenderites. I know you've missed me terribly. Everyday you would log onto this blog and just cry that there wasn't an update. Just really creepy videos of crazy Japanese people. I know, I'm sorry. But now I'm back! And advertising a bit on other mediums to get more people here!

"But Kender-san, you're selling out!" No! I'm...ooo something shiny.

So let's re-cap! Someone hand me a pen... (think about it, it'll eventually come to you as to why that's funny)

So it looks like the year was still 2008. Wow, so long ago. I mean we still had a white President, Michael Jackson was still alive, and John and Kate were still a family of 10. So much has happened! So many important and discussion worthy things!

So let's talk about rivers.

There is a river here in Texas (that's right...HERE in Texas..I moved. Deal with it.) that is actually famous. I say famous because the good people at the Guinness Book of World Records have recognized it as the smallest river in the world. And for the cost of a McDonald's Happy Meal you can float down it!

"But it's the smallest river in the world, surely it's a really short trip!" You might say, or think, or write, or blog......but you'd be wrong. I recently took a trip down this river clinging to my rubber inflated life savior. I was even paddling quite a bit to keep up with other people holding on for dear life in the river. It took me 3 hours and a sunburn on my shoulders to finish it. Still a nice way to spend a day. I don't recommend floating over the scuba divers though, unless you want a fresh awaking to bubbles.....

"But what does this have to do with you being away for so long?!" You might ponder, or think, or contemplate.....

Absolutely nothing. But my little Kenderites, I am but a vassel...vessel?....or some word like that...of all the random information in the world. I present to you the gift of random knowledge! Use it wisely at sports bars with trivia on their TV, or if you happen to find yourself on Jeopardy!

"I'll take smallest rivers in the world for $400 Alex" "The Comal River is located in this US State that ends with -exas"

"Umm...what is New Exas?"

I think I'm turning Japanese....

So I was talking to Deb recently and we were showing each other videos on YouTube. I came across one that kinda confused me. 




For those of you a little slow on the uptake (you know who you are), the big burly chick in the middle is actually a guy. Coming from the "Western World" looking at this culture, perhaps my point of view is clouded. Then again.....

Ok...so the music world for the Japanese is a little weird. Perhaps the bombs we dropped on them screwed up some sort of genetic structure. They did have a lot of influence on us though. I mean they build awesome video game systems (Nintendo and Playstation), they have perfected a lot of the television technology (Sony, Panasonic, Fuji, Toshiba, etc). So SURELY their television programs must be better! 

You have to give them credit. They do have unique ideas for television shows. Oh, for my American bretheren, if you thought that human tetris video was cool, it will be coming to America called "Hole in the Wall", so have no fear! 

"But masterful Kender, I have seen video of the Japanese culture! Tom Green and the Jackass boys went there and everyone was so docile and looked so serious!" Yes the Japanese culture is much different than the US and Europe. Usually the Japanese are linked to high moral honor codes and are quiet and timid. Yes, I agree with you fully. They are quiet, timid, and always look like they belong in a CEO meeting.

"But masterful Kender! The women are obviously crazy there. They used to bind their feet and are trained to be servants to men! Of course they're going to act out when put in a karaoke booth by themselves with no one to look on!"

Face it people, Japanese are crazy! But damn it, I can't help but search for their videos on YouTube and laugh my kender ass off as I watch! Yes, the ones I presented are some of my favorites. Hope you enjoyed. I still want to visit Japan someday and see this first hand!!

Time to Fly

There comes a time in every birds life that the parents tell it to fuck off and push it out of the nest. As the little bird plummets to its ultimate demise, it has to act quick. Either spread its wings and learn how to fly, or hope the ground is feeling in a good mood today and turns into rubber....or pudding. I like pudding.

Most of the birds spread their little wings, flap a few times, and take off soaring into the open sky! The world before them!! Their destiny begins!

Or they just fly in circles a few times, try to make a living on their own, give up and return to the nest and bitch at the parents for kicking them out.

"What a minute! I know this scenario....he's not talking about birds!" You might say to yourself. Or you might just say you want some pudding. I know...it's ok....I'll wait.



Ok!! I admit!! There is an alternate scenario. You saw right through my analogy! If you didn't I'm not explaining it now. See post about backing up and running over your ass.

I've noticed a trend in modern day society. The so-called XYZ generation. (I made it up...dont' dwell). These baby birds are flying back home to suck their parents dry. It's sad really. As if having them regurgitate their food into their empty little stomachs wasn't enough! I blame the government. Why? Because they're an easy target. Although I do blame the government for a lot. This capitalistic country I live in has molded this QRS generation to just take blows as they come and retreat back to the Golden Age ones.

Am I asking for a civil uprising? No. I don't want the government reading this and banging down my doors or claiming I'm some sort of extreme party pooper. But baby birds need to be kicked from the nest. They need to spread their wings or they need to become a sidewalk decoration.

Why do I bring this up? Cheese.

What is a Kender and where's the Dragon?

For those of you who might have read my blog years ago when I was actively updating it during the Great Blog Craze of '06, I was referring to everything in terms of dragons. I used caves, lairs, horde, etc to explain various things. So why, after all these years, have I returned and not use the dragon motif?

Because.

That's it's really. That's the whole reason why. I sat down at the registration page where it asked me what I would like my web address to be. Well, it wouldn't let me use the old one I had years before. For some reason they locked it down and it can't be registered again. Perhaps my boring tales of love, work, and Colorado made them so enraged that they wanted to ensure no one ever again had to be subject to it! Of course they allow all the emo crying pages go free...it's an unfair world I tell ya!

So I'm sure you may be asking yourself "So what the fuck is a kender? Some sort of venereal disease?"

Can't come into work today boss, I got a case of the kender! Burns like hell.

As tempting as it may sound to name my new blog off of some sort of medical discovery, a kender is actually a type of person. A race so to say.

Travel with me to the nerd world for a moment. Seeing as I spent most of my high school years in the nerd world, I'll be your tour guide. To the left is the Hall of Pocket Protectors and Retainers! Please hold your ooo's and aahh's until after the tour. To the right, the Chess Club! Where exclaiming "CHECK MATE!" is the closest thing to an orgasm that nerds may get.

But I digress...I've always wanted to say that...

A kender comes from the world of Dungeons and Dragons. It's a halfling like creature that loves shiney objects and is probably the poster child for ADHD. They're hyper, steal everything that isn't bolted down, and talk a lot. They love to tell stories and usually end up stretching the truth and make up exciting parts just because in their mind it works.

So am I a kender? Yes. One of my alter personalities. The reason I named the blog after these adorable annoying creatures is because this blog is dedicated to the randomness of my mind. Don't expect any sort of flow. Don't expect logical reasonings for my analogies. I'll compare an ipod to a hamster just because I can damn it (by the way, earphones don't plug into a hamster very well...they tend to get upset)!

So sit back, don't relax, and try to keep up. I don't slow down or pull over for anybody. If you fall off this perverbial bus, I'll back up only to run your dumb ass over!

Breath of life

A whisper in the air

A shimmer of sound

Perhaps an old voice returning.....